While posted one of my standard night shifts I had what I believe to be an epiphany. Well it’s either that or the effects of no sleep and nothing to look forward to the next day. The fight between the (deep) thoughts and the boredom is killer. Enough about that though, let’s avoid digressing any further.
Somehow we got into talking about life and where we all wanted to be and should be. Now there’s that conversation that we all love to be in until something is said that makes you go “hmm”. That came for me when I thought about how everything was in Denver, CO and how I got the same results from mostly everything. Everything being jobs, relationships, school, cars, etc. For some reason I had never really thought of what was the cause of all of this and why I was destined to have these same failures.
Giving it some serious thought I wondered if maybe I had sabotaged my own happiness time and time again for no apparent reason. Sometimes you ask yourself a question and when the answer comes out you’re like “I think that might actually be correct”. The culprit after all these years was my hate for the fact that I came back to Denver after I got out of the Coast Guard. There, I said it. It’s like having a massive weight taken off of you. I’d never thought of it before, let alone acknowledged that it might even exist.
For anyone that never heard the story before, here goes it.
In 2005 when I was getting out of the Coast Guard I was supposed to move to move in with my boy Quiñones and his girl. It was awesome. He was getting out around the same time I was. We both wanted to stay in Northern Cali. His girl was a manager at her company and pretty much offered me an entry-level job and all. I was to have a room and a job right after getting out. Time to get set up properly and of all places be in NorCal!!! The place where I turned 21. The place where dreams went to start living. However short-lived they ended up being. They broke up right before I got out and the entire plan crumbled. Thus I ended up back in Denver, CO. My home-town.
Not that I don’t love Denver. I mean it’s home. I know it like the back of my hand. I can’t get lost in it. I know where the fun stuff is. I know where the hot spots are. I can tell you the weather better than the forecaster can. I can…. Well you get the point.
The problem is I don’t think I ever accepted the fact that I was going to have to go back to Denver and be okay with it. That got tucked away somehow and I don’t think that was a healthy move. Well it’s like we all know that it’s not but some of us do it anyway. Ala the guy that says he just going to try that drug once.
I entered the game at a severe handicap of my own causing. The worst hindrance ever because you’ll never look inward first. As humans our defence kind of sucks. We can pick off a threat from yards out, but if it’s already inside the perimeter we’re screwed more than a cork. It’s like that virus that doesn’t let you know it’s a virus. Blood cells just hanging out. Meanwhile you’re organs are like, “hey, do you want to earn your pay check today?!” Money is not the root of all evil. Letting darkness into your lit area is.
So, from July of 2005 until June of 2013 when I left Denver I had my fair share of experiences. This job, that job. This school, that school. This girl, that girl. On and on. The majority of all those things shared one common thing. All sabotaged. Took a long time to look at it that way. Doesn’t mean that had I not then all would have been well. Sometimes things just aren’t going to be. The question is would you rather lose the lottery because your numbers weren’t called or because you didn’t pick numbers? There are definitely situations and opportunities that I have wasted away due to not getting that darkness out and it’s time to get some light in there.
I could spend time going into each situation, experience, life event, relationship, position, job, etc. and saying what could’ve/should’ve/would’ve been done differently in each one, but once you get into that too much you play too much of the scenario game. You know the one you like to play when you’re waiting in line for something. “I wonder what would’ve happened if I wou……..” Yeah……..no. I’m in search of this darkness though. I’m leaving all the lights on. I’ll pay the bill however I have to. Seattle is an awesome place to move to. Haven’t figured out if I’ll stay here forever or not. One thing that’s for sure though, if this disease is allowed to fester I’ll feel the way I felt in Denver no matter where I am.
“Ain’t nobody got time for that!”